did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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