The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
false alarm, still single
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