I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
