I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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