What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
