omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
