dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
