Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
