Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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