Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
