If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
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Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
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Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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