this beer tastes like vomit already
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
