Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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