I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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