So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
