I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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