You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
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