how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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