i was born a porn star she said
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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