I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
