Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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