i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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