yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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