i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
