The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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