we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
