I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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