Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
