1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
