she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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