I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Drake has all the answers
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
