If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
