i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
