The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
