He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
