I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
