Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
