Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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