I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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