There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
