Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
