Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
