I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
