i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
