i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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