just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
