Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
