She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
