Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
