I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
