Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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