you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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