She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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