i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
