I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
