who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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