I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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