Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
