paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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